so that wasnt chicken after all
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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