woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
