Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
