filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
