He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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