Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
