i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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