I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
