Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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