I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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