does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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