I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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