I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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