Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
