I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
