i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
