3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
