he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
