My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I would fuck him just for his dog
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
