God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
