Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sext me about skeletons
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
