I can text with my tongue
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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