Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
