During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
