One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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