1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
