Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
