Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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