We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
