tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
