is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
