haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
