Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
