Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If I die, sorry about rent.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
