I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize