There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize