Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
