i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
