Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
two words: eviction party
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
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