I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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