My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
