I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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