I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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