He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
