i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
