**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
