Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
