sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
