What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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