K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Mom said you looked used
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Randomize
