I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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