Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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