yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
