Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
