3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
True but thats because hes a fetus.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize