Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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