Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
