He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
