I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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