My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
