I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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