The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
