He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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