my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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