My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
