Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
